So I started to feel sad sometime after Joey and I hung up. And it started to gradually get worse. The thing is, when I’m with Joey, I am content, and I don’t think about Donnie or the heartbreak I’ve endured. But it seems the longer I am away from him, the more I start to think about Donnie and the more I hurt again. When I first started dating Joey, I chalked it up to the fact that it hadn’t been all that long since Donnie and I broke up, plus I was pregnant, so there’s the hormones as well. And as time has gone by, it takes a longer and longer set of time away from Joey before it happens again, but it seems 3-4 days is about my limit at the moment. I’m sure eventually this will extend enough that I will finally be over Donnie 100%, but I haven’t quite reached it.
You see, Donnie was the love of my life. I started dating him after the drama with Albert, and he was wonderful. We had a ton of stuff in common, plus he was sweet and spontaneous. And even though I wanted to take things slow, he was so persistent that I couldn’t help but to be won over. I have never loved anyone so much, or been so happy in my life, as I was with Donnie. Sure, we did have our issues, but it mostly stemmed around his parents. His father tried to control everyone’s life around him, and that went doubly for his oldest son. And of course, he could never stand up to his parents to defend me unless it was an argument he was having with them too. Basically, his parents’ opinion was this: if they were in an argument with him, then he was wrong and they were right, but if he were in an argument with me then I was wrong and he was right. The underlying theme being he was always right unless it was in conflict with them. But even through that, I fully believed he wanted to be with me. He proposed, we planned a wedding…and one month before, he finally tells me, through several drunken weekends and many sober next-morning talks, that he is GAY! This broke my heart completely. As it was, it took some time to accept that. It was a month before the wedding that we decided to break it off, but I’d been dealing with him saying it while he was drunk and denying it while he was sober for about a month before that. And to be pregnant when I found that out probably didn’t help matters much. He felt SOOO guilty and we both cried our eyes out the day I left and for days after. He used to call me everyday. We were best friends and I was the only one there to help him against his father who refused to have a gay son.
With me gone and his father giving him a hard time…he tried to date a guy, but he was too heartbroken and then his father wouldn’t ease up, causing home to be like WWIII for him, and the next thing ya know, he’s dating some chick again, and spontaneously marries her…which by the way, broke my heart all over again. You see, when OUR wedding date had come along, I was a depressed wreck. All I wanted to do was get drunk so I could stop feeling for awhile…but I couldn’t. Being pregnant kinda stopped me from doing that. Hell, I even would’ve been happy to pick up smoking pot if I could have, just so I could feel good instead of dead inside. Again, being prego kinda puts a damper on such activities. So by the time he got married, I had finally begun to heal, and I was only crying occasionally, but usually I was fine. Then this marriage thing came about, which he then subsequently LIED to me about. And kept up that lie for a good month. This broke my heart all over again. It was like I was screaming inside. If he could make it work with a woman, then why not me????
I can’t believe how much he crushed me inside. And every time I think I might be okay again, I’m not. I’ll never be quite the romantic I was. All the silly dreams of my knight in shining armor were dashed forever and left my life right along with Donnie. Hell, I still have my wedding dress, cuz I still haven’t been strong enough to take it out to take pictures so I can sell it on Ebay or something.
Don’t get me wrong. I love Joey, and I’m glad that he’s taken up the role of Daddy for Mackenzie. I’m content with him and I forget all about Donnie when I am with him. But when he’s not around, it’s like that protection mojo goes right along with him, and I’m left with the pieces of my shattered heart. I’m okay most of the time, but somewhere inside, in this little locked room in the back of my head, I’m still broken.
You see, Donnie was the love of my life. I started dating him after the drama with Albert, and he was wonderful. We had a ton of stuff in common, plus he was sweet and spontaneous. And even though I wanted to take things slow, he was so persistent that I couldn’t help but to be won over. I have never loved anyone so much, or been so happy in my life, as I was with Donnie. Sure, we did have our issues, but it mostly stemmed around his parents. His father tried to control everyone’s life around him, and that went doubly for his oldest son. And of course, he could never stand up to his parents to defend me unless it was an argument he was having with them too. Basically, his parents’ opinion was this: if they were in an argument with him, then he was wrong and they were right, but if he were in an argument with me then I was wrong and he was right. The underlying theme being he was always right unless it was in conflict with them. But even through that, I fully believed he wanted to be with me. He proposed, we planned a wedding…and one month before, he finally tells me, through several drunken weekends and many sober next-morning talks, that he is GAY! This broke my heart completely. As it was, it took some time to accept that. It was a month before the wedding that we decided to break it off, but I’d been dealing with him saying it while he was drunk and denying it while he was sober for about a month before that. And to be pregnant when I found that out probably didn’t help matters much. He felt SOOO guilty and we both cried our eyes out the day I left and for days after. He used to call me everyday. We were best friends and I was the only one there to help him against his father who refused to have a gay son.
With me gone and his father giving him a hard time…he tried to date a guy, but he was too heartbroken and then his father wouldn’t ease up, causing home to be like WWIII for him, and the next thing ya know, he’s dating some chick again, and spontaneously marries her…which by the way, broke my heart all over again. You see, when OUR wedding date had come along, I was a depressed wreck. All I wanted to do was get drunk so I could stop feeling for awhile…but I couldn’t. Being pregnant kinda stopped me from doing that. Hell, I even would’ve been happy to pick up smoking pot if I could have, just so I could feel good instead of dead inside. Again, being prego kinda puts a damper on such activities. So by the time he got married, I had finally begun to heal, and I was only crying occasionally, but usually I was fine. Then this marriage thing came about, which he then subsequently LIED to me about. And kept up that lie for a good month. This broke my heart all over again. It was like I was screaming inside. If he could make it work with a woman, then why not me????
I can’t believe how much he crushed me inside. And every time I think I might be okay again, I’m not. I’ll never be quite the romantic I was. All the silly dreams of my knight in shining armor were dashed forever and left my life right along with Donnie. Hell, I still have my wedding dress, cuz I still haven’t been strong enough to take it out to take pictures so I can sell it on Ebay or something.
Don’t get me wrong. I love Joey, and I’m glad that he’s taken up the role of Daddy for Mackenzie. I’m content with him and I forget all about Donnie when I am with him. But when he’s not around, it’s like that protection mojo goes right along with him, and I’m left with the pieces of my shattered heart. I’m okay most of the time, but somewhere inside, in this little locked room in the back of my head, I’m still broken.
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