first visit part 2

From the night they left or the day after, can't quite remember...

"Okay, so we had the first visit this weekend. Donnie, his wife Christen (ick!), his mother (Mama Dukes), and his nephews (Adrian and William) came up to see Mackenzie. Adrian had a grand old time playing with the rocking horse, the computer, watching movies, and playing soccer outside. William was a little fussy, but he’s the baby of their family, so it was kind of to be expected.

They got into town around 7:30pm (they didn’t leave until 10:00am from North Carolina) and came over around 8:30 or 9:00 Saturday evening. They brought over a ton of stuff for Mackenzie. There were socks and clothes from new 0-3 months clothes to hand me down 4T clothes, even a couple halloween costumes (of the ladybug and pumpkin variety). Also, a pack of LUVS diapers. I use Pampers, but I’m all for trying out the different brands. On Sunday they showed up with a new big bag of refills for the diaper wipes and another bag of diapers, but this time Huggies. So I can now get a feel for all 3 brands and decide what I like best. So far, I’ll use the LUVS they brought, but I think they feel kinda cheap, like really plasticky feeling.

Back to Saturday….

So they came over and visited for a couple of hours. Everything was fine I guess. I spent the majority of the time going through the things they gave me for her and putting them away. They held her, fed her, Donnie even changed her (although he can’t seem to figure out which side of the diaper is the front and which side is the back). Apparently this was a first for him, to change a diaper lol :P. Christen didn’t say anything to me at all, which is probably a good thing. I dunno if Donnie told her to keep her mouth shut so she didn’t say something to piss me off, or if she was just trying to prove to me that she wasn’t trying to be Mackenzie’s mom, or what. Either way, I was just peachy keen not having anything to do with her. The only time I even spoke to her was to have her take William from me so that I could show Donnie where my room was so we could go through all the stuff. If Mama Dukes hadn’t have been holding Mackenzie, I would’ve asked her instead. Hell, Christen didn’t even hardly look at me the whole night. But like I said, this was just fine by me. I don’t have any reason to try and like her and a million reasons not to. Adrian split his forehead open, due to losing his balance after spinning himself around a whole lot in the living room. Spin, fall, thunk, cry. Mom rushed upstairs with him to show them, and Donnie took him into our bathroom and fixed him up. The poor lil’ guy knocked it real good on the edge of a side table down there. He was fussy for awhile but got over it pretty quickly. They left around 10:15pm, and went back to the motel. Apparently Adrian didn’t understand the concept of a motel (this being his first time) and was asking them why they were staying there so long. :P

Sunday (yesterday) they came back over. They checked out of the motel at checkout time and went to the store, bought those Huggies and diaper wipes, and then came right over. I had Mackenzie in her new Ohio State Football t-shirt and a pair of pink pants (I didn’t have any color that better matched the red shirt) partly because I knew it would annoy the Carolina tarheel/panther fans, and partly cuz Joey had come over and he’s a huge Buckeye fan and had just bought her the shirt a couple days before. They were taking tons of pictures, both Saturday and Sunday. Christen tried to be a little more friendly/outgoing. I was nice but not too nice. I couldn’t quite make it clear that I knew what kind of person she was, cuz I’m not supposed to know, and I promised I wouldn’t let them know what I knew from my source or how I knew it. However, when I brought up the fact that I was sorry his sister-in-law couldn’t come and that she was hoping to come next time, Christen wouldn’t look at anyone and had NOTHING to say, even when Mama Dukes was talking about how Wes and Liz (Donnie’s brother and his sister-in-law) were going at it constantly and that the “crazy asian” fits (Liz when her temper flares) hadn’t stopped in 3 months, which is weird…. OF COURSE she didn’t want to look at anyone or say anything! Even Donnie kept quiet during that part, which is really weird, he usually has something to say about Liz being “crazy asian”. I don’t know how I’d get over my husband sleeping with my brother-in-law’s wife for 3 months either!!! Of course they’re still fighting! Wes is damn lucky Liz didn’t leave his ass and take William with her! She even ended up quitting her job, I found out. That’s what happens when you are depressed and feel like you have to keep an eye on your husband.

Anyways, everything went fine. I pulled Donnie aside and talked to him about July, when we’ll be down there, and he gets to have her overnight. I told him it was really important that there wasn’t any drugs (not even pot) around her, because if they were to get caught, even due to a rare occasion of someone getting pissed at him or christen and want to get them in trouble…then not only would they take Mackenzie away from HIM, but they might not give her back to ME either because of my having previous knowledge of his habits. I also told him that Christen had written about rollin’ on Aycock St on her myspace, and he insisted that they had not rolled at that house. So he said he would talk to her, but I dunno if I can trust him on that one because he had also said he wasn’t married when her myspace said they were… Anyways, he assured me that it was already planned that any time Mackenzie is in North Carolina, she’ll be staying with Mama Dukes and Pappy. And he told me that Mama Dukes had already eliminated all drug use and even cigarette smoking from the house. Everyone, including Pappy (THAT made me laugh) had to go outside to do ANYTHING! Apparently Pappy only agreed to it after rearranging the living room so that he can watch TV from the front door on the porch. I would have loved to be there for that conversation! Pappy never would have gone for anything like that when I would ask, so why Mama Dukes?? Probably because she cooks and cleans and he doesn’t know how! roflmao :P That man can’t survive without his wife. I know, I’ve seen it.

Donnie also wanted to ask for extended visitation. He said he wanted her for more than 2 days at a time. I replied, “baby steps”. I told him that we’ll start off with a few couple day visits, and that I need to trust him before he can have her for extended amounts of time. The fact is, he has to stop lying to me before I’ll be okay with him having her for any length of time. He says he doesn’t want to fight about it and put her through a court thing, and neither do I. But I need to trust that he’s not going to have drugs around and that he’s going to give her back when he’s supposed to. Other than that, he wanted to let me know that any time that I need something, other than the regular child support, that he will send it. If I need something for her all I have to do is tell him and his mama and they’ll get me money to get it. So, we should be good on that front.

After that, they visited a while longer, and eventually left. I’m pretty proud of myself. I managed to gather enough strength that even when he hugged me, I felt nothing. I even fooled myself into believing that I was 100% over him. The only time I felt anything at all, was this one time when he caught me watching him with Mackenzie and he grinned this happy grin that I haven’t seen in a long time, not even in his honeymoon pictures with Christen. The little happy grin that has always made my heart melt. But, I didn’t cry, not even a little. He was here, I was fine (although the hours leading up to it, I was a nervous wreck). He left, I was fine. We went to the grocery store, I was fine. We ate dinner, I was fine. I went to bed, I was fine. I woke up, I was fine. A couple hours later….not so fine. I could feel the wall I had put up for the weekend tear itself down and it was like it left me more vulnerable than I was before. I cried. I hadn’t seen him in so long, that his face was almost a distant memory. But now he’s been here, and I close my eyes and see him clearly. That’s hard. He’s still the guy that was the love of my life. I just see him for who he is a little better than I did before. And I no longer trust him completely and unconditionally like I did before. But I still had a good long cry while Mackenzie was taking her morning nap. I love him. I always will, but there comes a time when you have to give up on the fairy tales and accept reality for the way it is.

His mama did call me after they left while I was at the store though. She had talked to his grandparents (Mackenzie’s great-grandparents) and they are all pitching in and getting me the rest of the money for the forever crib I want. I have half of it already saved, but there’s still $300 left to pay on it, so they are going to give it to me. YAY! It was a nice way to end the visit. Now we have July to look forward to…. They did offer for us to attend the Clayton 4th, which we probably will, and then head up to Martinsville for the Minter (my dad’s mother’s side) 4th, seeing as one is in the afternoon and one is in the evening. Anyways, that’s it for now I guess…I have a doctor appointment today to get more asthma medication, and I’m waiting on the call from Target. If I don’t hear anything by noon, I’LL call THEM."