coming home

We visit ed Fran’s today. I received a whole bin of stuff for the baby. Once again, all the clothes were WAY too big. Granted, she’ll grow into the stuff, I just wonder if she’ll even get a chance to wear all the 6-9mo clothing she’s gotten lately. I swear, the only two people that listened when my mom said what size I needed for her, were Elaine and Lisa. Everybody else got the baby stuff she won’t wear for months! I don’t mean to sound ungracious or ungrateful, because I truly do appreciate it. It just seems rather silly when you think about it. Some of the stuff Fran gave me were 18mo and 24mo sizes….lol. Those will be hanging up in her closet for QUITE A WHILE!

After Fran’s, we headed back to Grammie’s and packed up what we could. We finally brought home the carseat that Joe and Elaine gave us, so now I have one to put in Joey’s car whenever it is actually clean again roflmao! Then we headed to Texas Roadhouse and ate dinner with one of mom’s old high school buddies. He is a tattoo artist, that works for himself, and seems really cool. I think Joey would get along with him too.

Not much else to say about today. Mackenzie was a bottomless pit all day and she did not like her carseat at the restaurant. She wanted to be in my lap watching the goings on in the place. Oh, and I had to change her diaper while we were there, but that is because I have learned that surprisingly enough, Huggies SUCK! More ranting on that particular subject to come later

Carnival

I haven't had a chance to be on in a couple of days, because we are in Michigan this weekend. My mom had a high school get together to go to so we came up, spent some time with Grammie, and then went to the gathering. Turned out that the gathering was a beer tent at an annual carnival that none of us knew about. So here we are, at a carnival, with no cash, and having to find parking a couple blocks away because the only available parking close to the carnival cost $3 to use.

Believe it or not, it wasn't bad. Granted we couldn't go on any rides, but Dawn's (one of mom's old high school friends) husband was super nice and gave me and Briana some money so we could get something to eat. We were in awe that there was a big sign for deep fried oreos, and were totally going to get some, but once we got to the cart, we saw they had fried EVERYTHING! Deep fried oreos, deep fried oatmeal pies (those little debbie oatmeal sandwich cookie things), deep fried milky way, deep fried snickers, and elephant ears. We ended up deciding on a deep fried snickers bar. This thing is probably one of the BEST desserts I've ever tasted! They take a snickers bar, put it on a stick, coat it like a corn dog, but with the pastry batter for elephant ears and funnel cakes, and then deep fry it. When it comes out, they put it in a carton, drizzle chocolate sauce on it and shake powdered sugar on top. Then they stick a fork in it and hand it over. Oh my goodness, this thing was SOOO good! Not only was the chocolate from the bar melted, but the nougat had melted too, so that it was almost like a nougat custard with the caramel and chocolate and peanuts. You HAVE to eat the thing with the fork, or it would get everywhere.We also got a large cup of that carnival freshly made lemonade, in a big plastic cup that we got to keep. And I almost decided to get a bucket of chili cheese fries. I held off though, like a good girl... and had a small garden salad and cottage cheese with peaches when we got back to Grammie's.

Mom hung out with her old high school buddies, and we (Briana, the baby, and I) walked around the carnival a few times. There were a bunch of rides, two of which caught our attention especially. They were a spaceship, and a hang gliding ride. They also had a mechanical bull, and a rock climbing wall. Oh! and the best thing of all was this one attraction: GIANT HAMSTER BALLS! You know those plastic balls you buy for hamsters or guinea pigs or whatever to be able to run around the house in?? They had giant human sized ones floating on water! It looked so awesome!!!! I so wish I could have tried it out! :P

I did get to try my hand at ski-ball. I wouldn't have even spent the money, but if you scored 180 or more then you could have your choice of prize. I REALLY wanted to try to win the brian banana. If you are familiar with the show Family Guy, then you understand. The dog (brian) is in a banana costume. It's known for him dancing to "peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time, peanutbutterjelly peanutbutterjelly, peanutbutterjellywithabaseballbat" lol. Well they had this in a stuffed version and I wanted it, but sadly, I couldn't score past 100. I am pretty confident that I would have gotten it after a max of 10 times, but that would've been $10 and I didn't want to do that and frankly I couldn't afford it.

Anyways, overall we had a good time, and now we're hanging out and probably going to bed soon and we'll be heading out to go back to Ohio in the morning.

This one just makes me think of Albert. He was my best friend for 3 years, and my boyfriend for 2 of them. We lived together, he even called my mom to tell her he had put a down payment on the ring I wanted and was going to ask me to marry him as soon as it was paid off. Then his best friend left his wife, to get with the woman he’d previously had an affair with, all the while playing his wife on the side. Next thing I know, Albert’s having an affair with this chick’s son’s friend. Albert was 26, I was 21. He ended up leaving me for an 18 year old that then turned around and told him that she was pregnant with some other dude’s kid, and that she’d known for 2 weeks, but didn’t want to tell him cuz she was afraid it would scare him off and he wouldn’t have chosen her. He then tries to test the waters as if he were thinking about taking me back, but I had already started to date Donnie (who is now the father of my child, which is an entire other story). So Albert starts to get pissed about the Donnie factor, all the while our roomies are telling him he’s got no right to be pissed, and we’re trying to be friends cuz there are very few ex’s that I have not remained at least “on good terms” acquaintances with. He then proceeds to back out every time he promises me something, whether it’s a ride, use of OUR car, or even me keeping the big room and him taking the small one, every time threatening to leave the house and leave me with a rent that I wouldn’t be able to afford if I didn’t go along with what he said. As it was, I left, went back to my Grandma’s which I didn’t want to do, and he still owed me money which I never got. A couple months later I get a call from an old roommate trying to get in contact with Albert cuz he didn’t pay his last month’s rent when he left. Just up and moved out while they were at work and left them in a bind. He also lied about me and spread rumors about Donnie. Then HE deletes and blocks ME on myspace! And tries to tell me that I brought all this on MYSELF for the way I treated him after we broke up! And had the nerve to tell me the day I moved out that I was giving up on us being friends. He wasn’t exactly acting like much of a friend. I can’t believe that the one relationship that I did EVERYTHING right in went so horribly wrong. I don’t understand how the Albert Luna I used to know died and the one that lives and breathes now exists… It will forever boggle my mind

And this one I posted on Tumblr a couple nights before I got the call about the visit, I believe...

So I started to feel sad sometime after Joey and I hung up. And it started to gradually get worse. The thing is, when I’m with Joey, I am content, and I don’t think about Donnie or the heartbreak I’ve endured. But it seems the longer I am away from him, the more I start to think about Donnie and the more I hurt again. When I first started dating Joey, I chalked it up to the fact that it hadn’t been all that long since Donnie and I broke up, plus I was pregnant, so there’s the hormones as well. And as time has gone by, it takes a longer and longer set of time away from Joey before it happens again, but it seems 3-4 days is about my limit at the moment. I’m sure eventually this will extend enough that I will finally be over Donnie 100%, but I haven’t quite reached it.

You see, Donnie was the love of my life. I started dating him after the drama with Albert, and he was wonderful. We had a ton of stuff in common, plus he was sweet and spontaneous. And even though I wanted to take things slow, he was so persistent that I couldn’t help but to be won over. I have never loved anyone so much, or been so happy in my life, as I was with Donnie. Sure, we did have our issues, but it mostly stemmed around his parents. His father tried to control everyone’s life around him, and that went doubly for his oldest son. And of course, he could never stand up to his parents to defend me unless it was an argument he was having with them too. Basically, his parents’ opinion was this: if they were in an argument with him, then he was wrong and they were right, but if he were in an argument with me then I was wrong and he was right. The underlying theme being he was always right unless it was in conflict with them. But even through that, I fully believed he wanted to be with me. He proposed, we planned a wedding…and one month before, he finally tells me, through several drunken weekends and many sober next-morning talks, that he is GAY! This broke my heart completely. As it was, it took some time to accept that. It was a month before the wedding that we decided to break it off, but I’d been dealing with him saying it while he was drunk and denying it while he was sober for about a month before that. And to be pregnant when I found that out probably didn’t help matters much. He felt SOOO guilty and we both cried our eyes out the day I left and for days after. He used to call me everyday. We were best friends and I was the only one there to help him against his father who refused to have a gay son.

With me gone and his father giving him a hard time…he tried to date a guy, but he was too heartbroken and then his father wouldn’t ease up, causing home to be like WWIII for him, and the next thing ya know, he’s dating some chick again, and spontaneously marries her…which by the way, broke my heart all over again. You see, when OUR wedding date had come along, I was a depressed wreck. All I wanted to do was get drunk so I could stop feeling for awhile…but I couldn’t. Being pregnant kinda stopped me from doing that. Hell, I even would’ve been happy to pick up smoking pot if I could have, just so I could feel good instead of dead inside. Again, being prego kinda puts a damper on such activities. So by the time he got married, I had finally begun to heal, and I was only crying occasionally, but usually I was fine. Then this marriage thing came about, which he then subsequently LIED to me about. And kept up that lie for a good month. This broke my heart all over again. It was like I was screaming inside. If he could make it work with a woman, then why not me????

I can’t believe how much he crushed me inside. And every time I think I might be okay again, I’m not. I’ll never be quite the romantic I was. All the silly dreams of my knight in shining armor were dashed forever and left my life right along with Donnie. Hell, I still have my wedding dress, cuz I still haven’t been strong enough to take it out to take pictures so I can sell it on Ebay or something.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Joey, and I’m glad that he’s taken up the role of Daddy for Mackenzie. I’m content with him and I forget all about Donnie when I am with him. But when he’s not around, it’s like that protection mojo goes right along with him, and I’m left with the pieces of my shattered heart. I’m okay most of the time, but somewhere inside, in this little locked room in the back of my head, I’m still broken.